I've been writing again. So here's a summary of the last 6 months for you :)

Man oh man. What a weird fucking year it's been. I'm going to take you all the way back to January. Because I feel like it's important to start at the beginning. And really, nothing happened till May but it's important to have a foundation for every story - and I've been looking for an excuse to get high and let my fingers fly across the keys in that familiar fashion, a sensation I've not experienced in probably around 8 months. I always get really excited to start a new year. I like the fresh, clean new slate that starts over with the rest of the world (or country? or at least the people I know.) a chance to make big plans, changes, to let ideas blossom upon paper while you wait to see how they're going to morph and change. I recently watched a tedTALK/podcast/SOMETHING that had one line that hit me so hard in the very core of my being. I wish I could remember what it was. The idea that they were conveying was the fact that the original idea, is always completely different than the final outcome. Because along the way of creating the idea, of bring it's to life, watching it be born, so many other parts of it become clear, so many other facets of the project. He even said that there's a possibility of the idea being completely different idea completely by the end of it's journey. All that is to say, it was a good thing to learn early on this year, because this year has been so different from how I expected it but also in almost all the best ways, and even the ways that are hard or uncomfortable, I understand their importance and their place in my life, and why they are necessary. Once you can understand this, it becomes a lot easier to bend without breaking and to be open to new possibilities and not crumble in the face of change. All GOOD things! :)

So early on in January, I spend a Sunday/AmyDay creating a list of ideas of what I wanted 2014 to resemble, vague ideas or intentions to differentiate them from resolutions. I drew a pretty mandala boarder and some swirly swirls around the top and set up my "2014 Intentions" 1. Create a living doing what I love 2. Move closer to a healthy self 3. Become a daily yogi 4. Live simply, and beautifully 5. Learn to grow my own food 6. Separate my self from the screen 7. Reduce Expenses/Consume less 8. Act out love. 9. Spread, teach and share creatively 10. Laugh as much as possible.

Things were going really good all the way through February. I was up to practicing my own yoga flow for about 45 minutes every other day, I was becoming mentally healthy, setting daily intentions on how to be, live simply, and find beauty in the ordinary. I was cutting back my spending and buying with intention of supporting the items creator. I stopped using commercial beauty products almost completely and have switched to a 80% natural (it's a process - i like mascara.) products. I was consciously choosing to leave my phone screen down, or even better, in my purse, and I was teaching classes at Room in The Inn - homeless folks drawing mandalas!!! :) So far so good, making my intentions into habits, living my life with purpose, and the way I wanted to. And then one morning I started throwing up.

And for 8 days, I continued to vomit every 20 minutes.
I didn't leave my bed.
I didn't take a shower.
I couldn't keep anything down and was chugging gatorade just to have something to puke up.
(dramatic!)
So I went to the ER (after my doctor not listening to me.) and after three days in the hospital, they finally decided to give me an ultrasound to check out my gallbladder. Which I had been telling my doctor about since October, but she swore it was an ulcer from stress and told me to take prilosec and drink less coffee. I didn't take the prilosec - because I knew it was poison/pointless. My gallbladder was filled with a inky black sludge and close to bursting with stones. My bile duct, which is between your gallbladder and stomach was filled with the same contents. They had to do a procedure (down my throat, under anesthesia) before they could even attempt the surgery. A week and a half after I was admitted, 20 days after I started throwing up, I began a 2-3 week healing process and finally got to go home. I missed the entire month of March. I missed all of work. And my sweet Tripp covered all the bills with a little help from my momma to fill the fridge with healthy, fresh foods for me to eat during recovery. He stayed by my side, he held my hand when they couldn't find veins to restart my IV after it collapsed. He wiped the sweat from my forehead when I writhed in pain from my gallbladder seemingly exploding, a pain so strong only morphine straight to my bloodstream could make it stop, and yet I didn't shed a single tear. How weird is that? He cried when I told him the day I was admitted I'd had a dream that I was dying and I was crawling through a parking lot on my hands and knees towards a bright light. I was hallucinating from severe dehydration. He brushed my hair and brought my chapstick for the 36 hours I wasn't allowed to drink water, he gently rolled it on my cracked lips and massaged my hands with rose scented lotion. He watched hours of The Office episodes with me when I couldn't sleep and he kept everyone updated on my condition. He stayed at my side, and with the kindest care, and gentlest touch I've maybe ever felt, he carried me through the worst experience I've had since the last time I was in the emergency room. He smiled through tears when they took me to surgery, and while I was out, he bought me two gallons of water, which I'd requested, as well as several beautiful stones that contained healing properties to help guide me through the coming weeks. He also found some flowers from a special brutha and his sweet lady :) When I woke up from anesthesia, he smiled so big. I was so glad to see him. He kissed me and said it was taking everything in him not to propose to me right there in the hospital room. I teared up and told him he better not. I didn't want to remember it as a drug induced blur of happiness. Inside, I felt like I was ready to explode. I'd approached the subject of marriage a few times over the last couple years, and make some small comments here or there but he never really took the bait. It always happens at the right time. :)

In April, I spent all of my recovery time setting up my etsy and creating a business for my mandalas. By the end of the 2nd week my shop had been open, I'd made $250 by selling my art work, which was almost enough to cover my rent. I was blown away. Ive been learning about the power of community via social media and meeting lots of new friends, who are of like mindset and have similar daily intentions. I've been learning yoga with other women, and we share our progress on Instagram. I'd been trading recipes with other vegetarians and sharing my art with over 700 people around the world. I know there is a lot to be said about social media and how dangerous it can be. And there are some days where I realize that it's sort of sad that I've got these connections with people who I'll likely never meet. But maybe one day I will meet them, or I'll need something that I know they can/will provide, or maybe they will need something from me, something that I can give. And those connections are important, just in a different way that it is important to be connected to your real life, immediate community. I try to stay balanced in my social media use, and I'm excited to see where this goes.

The next few weeks were filled with catching up on bills that were due, filling out financial assistance for hospital bills, and answering collections calls from other hospital bills, and making payments on so many accounts and feeling really bummed out about money. But I was holding steady. I had already used the last of my reserved funds from my vacation pay out at the contributor and things were getting a little tight but we weren't worrying too much. Then I got a bill for $330. Then a bill for $544. And then rent was due again. One Monday at work, I was cleaning up the seating area and clearing some dishes. Then I ran some food out to two women sitting outside. Half an hour later, I was walking through the hallway, and the women said "Excuse me, Amy?" I turned around, confused and said "Yes?" The younger women extended her arm, and said a friend of ours asked us to give this to you. We hope you have a great day!" I said thank you, and walked away. When I got behind the bar, I opened the envelope. A short message was scrawled in an old cursive font and said something along the lines of "We are so grateful for the kindness you've give to the world, and we hope you know how loved and treasured you are. We wanted to return some kindness your way and hope that this will be useful with the past months events" Inside was $330. The exact amount of the bill that was due. The craziest part about this story, is I know exactly who this is, and how this works. I was facilitate it for multiple contributor vendors during my time there. I'd help a volunteer, my friend Andy, who stills comes to my work to have coffee with me every week, find vendors who were upstanding, hard working, etc, but having a hard time. He'd take their name and bring it to a group of his friends called 12 Ordinary Men. Each month they do this. They choose on man in their community and the give varying amounts of money usually around $500 to the man, anonymously. His wife, Caryn, is a part of the same group, but 12 Ordinary Women. Good comes full circle, and I was on the receiving end. What a blessing :)

Given the above story, we weren't able to afford Bonnaroo this year. We compromised saying I was going to start a succulent garden. My boss is helping me out by giving me little sprouts from his extensive succulent collection that we keep at work, and a friend was going to take me to Michaels to buy some clay pots to paint to house them in. And Tripp was going to record for a day in the studio and release a professionally recorded EP of his current project. We were at peace with the decision and even though that maybe we'd have a little at home cosmos trip through the galaxy over the weekend and go hear a couple free live music events to get the almost-roo-experience. I'd never had any interest in this particular trip, because I preferred the organic, from the earth sort of trips. Not something that was made in a lab. Something created by man, instead of from the earth. However a few months ago, I was suddenly open to the idea. Without mentioning it or even giving it a second thought, suddenly it became available. It took several tries for it to come through, but we kept repeating "It will happen at the exact right time." We didn't have a date in mind, and so I made a few plans with friend over this last weekend, to help make the time during bonnaroo more interesting. Suddenly, the supplies were in our possession and we rearranged our schedule to leave open Friday night. We had dinner at my favorite taco place on Friday around 4 and watched Janelle Monae and Andrew Bird via online streaming play live at 'Roo. Once our friend left around 730, Tripp asked what I thought about it. And I said I was ready. So we started the trip and sat back to watch a movie. It takes around 20-60 minutes to begin working....

SIDE STORY (That is somewhat relevant.) - I finally got off birth control in April, and it has been a strange transition back to the real world. BC messed with my hormones in ways I've never experienced and neither have any of the women I've talked to. It made me feel completely out of control for two weeks every month. I was a weepy, emotional, angry and frustrated mess of physical pain and hormones and headaches and sleepless nights and over caffeination. Tripp always laughs when I say this because he never sees it. He always says I just get real quiet - I told him that's what is so dangerous about out of control emotions and Amy, the fact that it is all internal. Every part of it is happening inside of my body and when left unattended it can spiral out of control, but because i've become so in touch with my body and self, I am able to exist through it, be talking myself down from the highs and lifting myself out of the lows, if only in my head. Self-medicating with kindness, healthy habits, rest and a consistent practice of peace.

Last Week, I realized that for the third month now, I've been almost to the day in sync with the moon cycle, with mine restarting right around the time of the Full Moon. (I hope this is not TMI, it feels important.) To which I thought, well OF COURSE I go crazy every month. Then you think about the fact that the moon controls the tides, the rising and falling of the water, the movement. The body is made of 70% (80%?) water. When the moon changes, so does 70% of the woman's body. It's all moving, and rising and falling in tidal waves crashing around inside of us waiting to settle back into it's home for the next month. So much of our body is controlled based on the planets. Tripp and I learned about how each sign corresponds with a cell-salt needed for your body. And that for the three months/signs of the year that you are NOT in the womb (for instance, mine is Jan-Mar, because I was born in December and therefore conceived in April) are the ones you're typically low on. So we created a chart that included food for each sign, and we began to buy groceries based on that chart. Purchasing whole foods from the earth, cooking entire dishes from vegetables and introducing fruit and seeds and nuts into recipes and meals in new, creative ways. It's been pretty fun :) And also how each sign corresponds with a body part and how to see what is working/not working in your body based on the above information. Really big, heavy stuff. But fascinating, and fun to put into practice.

THEN. I'd been having some self doubts about my body, and about sex and about how Tripp felt about me/us/sex/bodies/etc. I blame it on the fact that we hadn't been really connecting on a regular basis. Those times have become sort of far between. And even though during that time, it is a time of healing and repair, it's never a top priority the way it should be. So Monday we had some big conversations and I expressed my concerns and there was healing.

So, to sum those three paragraphs up, the week before my period is crazy and it also lines up with the full moon. If asked what the hardest part about my life is currently, i'd say the emotions I feel during that week. We took acid on the night of the full moon when all the emotions of so many big conversations about hard things between us, were at the very top of my mental awareness.

BACK TO THE TRIP.

Around an hour later, I looked at Tripp and his eyes were getting pretty big and he said he thought it was starting to kick in. I wasn't feeling anything yet, but if I stared at the floor for awhile it sort of looked like the lighter parts of the floor were turning to smoke and hovering above the floor like a golden fog. So I thought maybe something was happening. We stood up and moved around a bit, and started to notice that my perception of space and movement were a little funny. Within 5 minutes, it had taken it's effect and we were in for the ride of our lives. I say this, with it being my first time, but Tripp having taken the journey a few times before. It's hard to really understand all that happened in the next 9 hours. But it all began with going outside and standing in the middle of the trees in my backyard which felt like a field and raising my heart chakra to the moon and asking her to fill me with her energy, and filling that happen. Being aware of the powerful vibrations and light that she'd cast upon my face. I went inside, wanting to take off my bra. And then deciding that it was silly to keep any clothes on. In that moment, I was suddenly and still, currently, for the first time, comfortable in my skin. My skin, the way it fits, the way it hangs, the way it rolls, the way it ripples, the way it smooshes, the way it's scarred the way it's hugged and kissed and the way it loves, and the way it moves and the way it sweats, and the way my hair falls into my eyes and the way my nail polish is always chipped, and the way it dances, and the way breaths, inhaling and exhaling, filling to capacity with peace and comfort. The way my tongue tastes food, it's ability to distinguish individual flavors, the way lemon curd made shivers of excitement run down my spine. The way it touched, and moved and rocked. I investigated every inch of my skin and i feel deeply in love with it. I became passionately aware of each part, from my toes, my skinned knees and gallbladder scars, my roundness and my blue eyes, my soft hair and my nose that i've always thought cute. I felt as though the moon had filled me with the most divine feminine energy. The way my love could envelope tripp and take him straight to the moon, filling him with the same moon energy, that left him weeping into my neck, unable to form words to explain what had happened in that time, but knowing exactly what he meant. Hours and hours of emotional oneness and breath that flowed in a circle between us, carrying the most sacred spiritual energy fully through us, kundalini rising audibly, together as a burst of stardust swirling through this individual moment. I feel like I'm blushing thinking of this moment, and I'm trying to keep it spiritually respectful, I hope that it translates well to you, in words.

Some other things that happened were silly, like moving the bed into the living room because we needed the sound system to stay beside us. Staying awake through 134 songs in order to hear Lucy In the Sky Of Diamonds while we looked at a canvas covered in googly eyes. Deciding that we were puuuuuurfectly curly faced forever. And eating key lime pie frozen yogurt and moaning in near ecstasy at this new found delicacy. we got lost in mandalas, and danced with the lava lamp shaking our arms and legs around similar to the characters on Adventure Time for what felt like an hour but was actually only 3 minutes. We played and laughed and moved and it was all such a wonderful experience.

We stayed up until Sunrise, and fell asleep peacefully in the living room on our mattress that we'd drug in there, we woke up 3 hours later and made coffee while we watched cartoons and got some more luvins' and eventually fell asleep again, then we woke up, put the bed away and went to Ugly Mugs for Tripp to play a quick show, before we wandered down to East Side Hootenanny to hear free live music :) It was a magical experience and one that feels familiar and comfortably permanent. I am thankful that I had the experience and that I had unconsciously spent the week before meditating on negative energies that needed to be removed, working on recognizing things that frustrate me and finding the root and healing that space in order to make sure that there was plenty of room for positivity in my life. I spent the week chanting mantras of love, peace and kindness to all things in my mind while working, while drawing, while eating, while bus riding. It was a week of preparation for this experience, and had I rushed, or trying to control this experience or timing in any way, the outcome would've been different. I am thankful that I was aware. Thankful that I am always learning to be present. Always learning to be mindful. Always learning to be. Even when the hard things are swirling about in my mind, acting in a way of peace, and gentleness. Practicing conscious kindness to myself, first and always, in a way that allows the cycle to continue through me, in order to share kindness and love with everyone even those I don't yet understand. It was a solid lesson in the connectedness of everything. I am so grateful.

The Edward Sharpe show was absolutely spectacular! It was the third time we've seen them and by far my favorite! I had a terribly nerve wracking day due to the anticipation of a supposed proposal that I was mostly convinced was not happening but thought maybe it could. We got to meet Alex at the end of the show but he was mostly trying to eat some tacos and it was pretty awkward (as I'd expected), still I gave him a mandala and tripp gave him a copy of his book/album. Which, have you seen that? If not, I need to get one to you. I think he's also got it online, so I'll check on that.) and we thanked him for sharing his truth and quickly exited a strange situation. Haha! When we got home, I hugged Tripp tightly and apologized for being so weird that day but that i'd been somehow convinced that he was going to propose and was really nervous about it. He laughed and said that he had thought about it, but that another couple had recently done so on stage at an ESMZ show and he didn't want me to get a copy cat version. Sigh. That fella. He said he was sorry and I explained how a comment and turned into a rumor that had gotten shared with me, and then that got all crazy in my head and that i was glad he didn't do it that night cause i wanted it to be a surprise. (I also told said friend who told me said story not to ever do that again.)

So that's the last 6 months in a nutshell. It all seems so simple when put into words. But the growth and movement I've experienced this year has been monumental in my life. I'm excited for the next 6 months. I hope this is somewhat worth the wait. :) I'm glad I have someone to share these words with. It's important.

It's the part of my life, where I'm feeling as though I'm about enter into a new phase of my life. And for once, though I feel quite unsteady about the impending changes, I feel confident and secure in the resources that I have to survive and flourish throughout the transition. Transition is a word that has been tossed around many times in 2013. The transition to Assistant Director. The transition of hiring & firing in a small company, with only 10 employees causes significant waves despite our best efforts to keep things flowing smoothly. The transition of moving into a more serious place in my relationship with Tripp. Where I attend his family funerals, and my family comes to our home for Thanksgiving. Where we talk about purchasing a car together. Where we discuss the effects of my body & birth control together, to find a solution that is good for both of us.

It feels good. And it terrifies me. With every shift, I find my doubts beginning to rise and my lungs expanding as I hold my breath and wait. Wait for what? I don't know. Waiting for the good to end? Waiting for the bad to come? Or maybe just waiting until I've learned to be. Wholly and completely and without reservation. To just let the universe keep spinning around me, and to believe that I am okay. I am where I am because it's where I'm supposed to be, and to trust that the universe will protect me and surround me with the thing I need most. Love. Because when all else falls away, that really is the only thing that you need. I've got love to lean on. I've got arms to hug me, and lips to kiss and eyes to keep me steady when I start to fall. I've got these things, and regardless of what else may happen in the coming months, I do believe that I'll be okay.

There are, for sure, alot of changes coming my way. And I know that I'm being very vague. The biggest being the possibility of the work that makes me want to scream and also fulfills me in so many ways, not being around any longer. Our operating budget is at about 2 months. If we don't raise significant money, fast, not only will I and my coworkers be out of a job, so will 400 of Nashville's homeless community. While the idea scares me, for many reasons, I feel a sense of excitement as I'm faced with the decision of what to do next, if this falls through. The idea that I could be my own boss, and write or create to pay my bills has a small thrill behind it.

This past week, Tripp and I traveled to Charlotte for his grandma's funeral. She had been suffering under a cloud of Alzheimer's, and while I know how painful it is to lose the ones you love, I truly believe that his family has released her into a place of peace without suffering and confusion. When I met her at Christmas, she remembered my name once I was introduced and asked Tripp repeatedly when he was going to marry me. That night, I held him in my arms as he wept. It was the exact moment that I knew I would love him forever. That I knew we stood beside each other, through thick and thin, for better and worse. Six months later, he stared at me and said told me a story of exiting a port-a-pot at Bonnaroo and making direct eye contact with me, or the first try. I was standing in a sea of 100 people, and our eyes met. He said that it makes him said to know that one day, many years from now, one of us will be released from this world, and the other will be forced to live out the remainder of their days, without the comfort and familiarity that we've found in each other, in the last two years.

On our way to Charlotte, we stopped in Atlanta and tried to find a coffee shop. We ended up in a starbucks in a Marriott, that was hosting the RWA2013 awards. That stands for Romance Writers of America, in case you were unsure. While the variety of women ranged from Fabio covered thrift store paper backs, to 50 shades of gray to twilight, I was suddenly reminded that I love to write. And that I'm really good at it. I suddenly had the urge to finish my book, in whatever capacity that means. The last time I actively worked on it was early 2010, just before I moved home. Things have been different since then, and I sort of thought my story was over. But it's not, and there's still parts that need to be told.

The idea of making a living making art has gotten me really excited for the next few months. I want to simplify my life, so that it can be sustained through things I enjoy, that allow me to be my own boss. To do something that I love, without the confines of a corporation, regardless of whether or not it's a non-profit.

And then there's the hardest part that I'm tip-toeing around on a daily basis. My weight. In the last 6 months, I've quit smoking, and started a birth control that has caused my weight to jump about 15 pounds. My clothes don't fit, I had to buy new bras cause my boobs are huge and my belly is round and soft. I'm not saying any of this from a place of hate, but rather from a place, where I feel uncomfortable. I'm working on eating clean(er) and incorporating more fruits and vegetables, upping my water intake, and cutting back on the not-so-healthy things. Have considered both purchasing a juicer and CSA program, as well as taking a hiatus from alcohol... but lets not get too crazy. Essentially making better choices. But I think the biggest change that must be made is some sort of physical activity. Be it yoga, running, or water aerobics at the East Side Community Center.

But literally, all of the above is at the forefront of my mind and these are the back burner things that I'd like to direct some thought to, but in no way is it overpowering the better things happening in my world. It feels so good to articulate that last paragraph from a place of self-love. I'm doing well, I'm adjusting and being molded. I'm expanding my thoughts and ideas, and my heart. I'm learning to see the big picture and not get hung up on the feelings that come and go. I'm learning that EVERYthing is connected, or nothing is at all. My heart is beating, my feet are moving, and my eyes are always smiling.

Happy summer, ya'll.

i am struggling. i think it's the birth control. i think i want it out of me.

Week three of focusing on my health. I'm starting to feel really good. We've been doing about 3 hours of kundalini yoga a week, This weekend I worked in my flower beds for about 3 hours. My muscles have been good and sore. I downloaded a water tracking app and a walking app. Things I've realized: I don't drink enough water. I walk alot more than the average person. I have a green smoothie with flax seeds every morning. I prepare a veggie heavy quinoa salad on Sunday evenings and portion it out into lunches for the week. I take the stairs to the 4th floor for work, instead of the elevator. I'm getting enough rest. I've not only bummed one cigarette in the last 2 weeks, and really pushing for that to have been the last bummed one. Regardless, I've not actively smoked in over 2 months. Do small things, with great love. Love myself, and my body. Love who I am, and my body will love me back. Be kind to myself. Express myself creatively. Work my muscles. Feel alive. BE alive. I'm doing well :)

2 years, and 1 month difference.
I am recovered. I do not have aversions to certain foods, I do not panic when I eat certain foods. I do not panic when I don't know the calorie content of a dish. I do not panic when I have to go out to eat with friends at a restaurant who's nutrition info is not available on their website. I do not weight myself compulsively when I wake, when I pee, when I shower, when I poop, when I eat, when I don't eat, when I go to bed, when I change clothes, when I get off work, before I go to work, after I drink my coffee, or before I drink my water. I do not weigh myself because I feel like my body is expanding with every passing second. I keep my scale at the top of my closet underneath a pile of jeans that are folded up because they don't fit me anymore. I've pulled it out maybe twice in the 7 months that Tripp and I have lived together. I do not obsess. I cook for pleasure, and aesthetics. I cook to serve others. I cook to bless Tripp and care for him. I cook because I enjoy it. I cook because my body craves nourishing food that I know what goes into preparing it, and I'm trying to put good things in it.

But lets face it. This weight is too heavy for my 5'4 frame. It's making me achey. It's making it so that I can't sleep at night. It's making me sluggish. It's making me feel bad, physically.

So now to make lifestyle changes and not fall into the lies of crash dieting.

I'm wearing a dress from the 70's and drinking a glass of dry merlot and about to go on a magical mushroom trip. Things are more good than I'd ever imagined for myself.

Sitting next to him watching a movie, his hand on my knee, my hand on his. I gave him a squeeze and laid my head on his shoulder. 14 months in and I still get butterflies in my stomach when he smiles. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I held his hand inside my own, and I realized how much I love him. How much I want to cry just thinking about it. I am a lucky girl, and it was worth the heartache and pain and waiting to find the one who is so right. He is multifaceted and I adore him for his many layers and all the tiny folds within him. There are places for secrets and places for giggles. There is space for me, and space for him. And together we're unstoppable.