at this point...

I'm wondering if atkins is right for me. i'm feeling like maybe it's meant for significantly overweight people. which i am not. (you aren't fat, amy. start believing it.) I'm frustrated, tired of eating this way already, and it's barely been two weeks. I want to eat an apple. and I want some fruit. I want to stop counting carbs, because i'm afraid i'll get just as obsessive with it as I was with calories.

I've been talking with lots of experienced atkin-ers on the boards, and they are all saying not to lose anymore weight. i just want to get back to 119. i was happy and content at that weight. even 120, at this point. I just feel too big. i can't even describe it. like, i just feel like there's a bit too much of me. i know that i'm small, i just have this great desire to be smaller. because maybe somehow, magically if i'm smaller, it won't hurt as much.

and what is it anyway? why do i always refer to things as this or it or that. Alexithymia? I think that's what it's called when you don't know how to describe things.

I guess i'm just concerned that switching from an eating disorder to atkins, sure is healthier. but is it just changing paths almost? Switching from one form of weird eating habits to another? I don't want to spend the rest of my life counting one aspect or another of every bite i take.

i just want to be healthy. I want to be happy with my body. And I want to live a normal life that doesn't revolve around what i can and cannot eat.

I'm torn.