I got antsy the other night and took a razor comb to my hair. I do that alot, i think. I get upset, and start hacking at my hair. I'll never have long pretty hair. 

I've lost 11 lbs in 3 weeks. I need to do better. I need to be 117 by November 1st. It's only a few more pounds.

I'm a fucking wreck. I smoke alot, and drink alot of wine every day. 

i love the cold weather, cause i can make big pots of soup. and live on soup, and coffee and hot tea. this weekend i didn't leave my bed except to go get cigarettes and return some movie to redbox. I had on leggings and cotton shorts. a tank top, tshirt, and my hoodie. I put a hat on, and my big winter coat over it. 

at one point last week, i texted my friend and i said 'if i could be as happy as i am right now, i think i could be strong enough to stop being so mean to myself. but i know tomorrow i'll wake up, and i won't feel this way anymore.' i don't even remember why i was happy. I think i was wrapped in a blanket sitting on my backporch smoking cigarettes and drinking homemade cider with Lauren and Nikki.

Nikki told me I was the most beautiful person she's ever seen. And that I had a warm and nurturing spirit. Lauren told me I had pretty blue eyes that popped against my red hair. I met laurens mom for the first time this weekend, I was in my pajamas and hadn't showered. She squeeled with delight at how cute i was. 

Why cant i see this? I feel like a big, ugly, girl.

i need to lose 30 lbs. i need to lose enough weight to convince the doctor that i'm sick. sick enough for someone to care. sick enough for my mom to stop congratulating me on my wonderful weightloss. why the fuck does she suddenly think i'm so pretty, and so funny and lovely, and so great because i lost 80lbs? Why, when i was fat, did no one talk to me, and guys didn't even give me a second glance? Why did my grandpa make fun of me and tell me my arms were bigger than his legs? The shirt I was wearing that night, I never wore it again. It was my favorite. I felt pretty when I wore it. 

I wonder why I do this to myself. The only answer I can come up with is because i deserve it. 

My body is worthless. I am. There is no use for me