I can't believe I sent this...

Dear Dad,

This letter has needed to be written the last 15 years. I've known I've needed to write it, and yet every time I sit down to write it, I freeze and am unable to say the words that are required. To finally tell you the truth. To express the things that I've buried deep inside for the majority of my life. This letter isn't meant to be hurtful or disrespectful. I'm an advocate for truth, and you deserve to know what you've done, and haven't done.

There are so many things that I needed from you, especially growing up. So many questions that I needed answered, reasons for the choices that were made. There are a lot of things I don't understand. You're actions consistently spoke louder than you could yell, though it never occurred to you to speak more kindly, the way a father should. It hurt when you screamed, when you told me to stop crying; it hurt more than when you twisted my arms around me. Worse than when you turned away, only to return days later, kneeling by my bed and begging for a second chance, asking forgiveness, telling your 6 year old daughter that if she'd only give you time, you'd be a better father.

I needed to know that I was beautiful, that I had worth and value. I needed to know that I was special, that I deserved to be loved and treated with respect. I needed you to protect me, to keep me from being hurt and abused for so many years. I needed you to be an example of how a man should treat a woman. How a father should provide for his family. I needed these things from you, and for the last 24 years of my life, you've failed to provide them.

Instead, you've shown the opposite. To me, to Faith, Michael and your wife. You've chosen everything else over your family. You've chosen your job, your boss, your truck, your addictions, and your own desires. Anything but us. You've made effort to lie to us, assuming that we were all too stupid to know any different. When you are called out on your lies, and inconsistencies, you continue to lie to cover them up. With age comes wisdom. And we're catching up to you.

Your wife is making plans to leave you, because you refuse to change and you are breaking her heart in half. You are going back on all of your promises, for better or worse? till death to us part? Why say things you aren't going to stand behind?

Your youngest daughter has realized that you don't intend on making any different decisions, and has taken matters into her own hands. She told me she doesn't think you love her anymore.

Michael has been on the verge of ending his life, for most of the time he's been alive. I've listened to him cry, trying so hard to be a man, but having no representation of how a good man should live his life.

I've done everything I can, to make you love, accept or notice me. I took razors and sliced my skin open repeatedly. I stopped eating, hoping if I were somehow less, it'd be easier for you to love me. But I always come up short, missing out on the most important things a daughter needs from her father.

I'm learning that for everything, and everyone in my life, I decide whether or not to allow it to remain. I'm learning who and what is helpful, and what is toxic. I'm learning to sever ties, to keep me safe. I'm slowly placing each foot, firmly and deliberately, where it needs to be. I'm learning to love myself, despite what others think of me.

I have this 'big brother' in my life who is determined to prove to me that I'm worthy of love. I'm lucky to have someone of such character to teach me the things that should've been shown to me growing up. But years of not hearing or knowing them have made it hard for me to believe him, and I usually put up resistance to his words. He keeps reminding me over and over again, and then says "a good father would've told you this a long time ago."

"You are beautiful. You are worthy of love, and loved exactly as you are. You are worth life. You deserve everything that life has to offer you."

I'm trying so hard to not make this hateful, but still convey what I feel. It hurts, dad. When you send out text messages to no one specific, asking what you can do to prove your love, or telling me that you're determined to change. Like, it's somehow up to me to be strong for you. To be the glue that holds our family together. For the first time in my life, I'm finally beginning to value myself. To stand up for what I need and deserve. We're all adults now, and it's time that we start taking responsibility for our actions, our words, and our mistakes. I have to let go of everything, and accept that the crumbs will fall where they are meant.

But I don't need you anymore. I will not continue to cut myself off from a fulfilled life, because I understand that you will never be the father that I needed.

This letter is to serve as a severing of ties. To repair the damage that has been done, and allow us each to move on with our lives. I wish you the best, and I hope you understand that this is the only way for me to lead a healthy life.

-Amy