sometimes i just wanna fucking punch someone in the face and ask them why. instead i sit on my couch in my underwear and drink beer on a thursday night by myself because everyone is too busy to answer the fucking phone. and i keep listening to this song and i need to write but i can't get the words out without crying. i'm not trying to be jealous, because i really am happy with how things are going. im just a little bit sad today. i have been all day. i had to leave work early because my chest was tight and i thought my head was going to explode and my heart would stop beating. and then i get scared that all the monsters are coming back and they're going to scare him away and i'll get really skinny again and no one will ever love me. except that it's my choice. its my choice to let them in or keep the out. and ive just got to be strong and whatever funk is happening in my brain right now will go away. and he'll still hug me just as warmly when he comes into my office and he'll still kiss my forehead when i sleep and i'll still curl up in the crook of his belly and i'll be safe. because love is real and this is not. i just have to keep reminding myself. it is all my choice. i've made the choice one hundred times and i'll make it one hundred more. sometimes it's bad to be alone. time for some yoga.