i don't know where i'm at right now. i'm in the weird sort of limbo, teetering on the line of pursuing something. but not really knowing what that something is. and i want badly to be happy, and to give up this big, ugly, secret that's eating away at me. and yet, not knowing if wanting to be happy is enough to pull me out. 

out of the depths. out of the lies. out of the sadness. is it enough to learn how to make new choices,  in almost every single aspect of my life. am i feeling confident enough to get through this, only because things are going okay today? what about tomorrow when shit flies my way? what about next week? what about when i'm in virginia? what about next month? what about monday when i lose my job?

is feeling okay today enough to make me feel like letting go? the art of leaving everything to chance. i don't know. these words are silly, and don't make any sense. there is something in my heart, itching to get out. and i'm just too tired of let go. 

because i still feel a little twinge when i see someone who's small and delicate. fragile, and thin. and i wish so much to be like her. no one would look at me, and ever guess the things i've put my poor body through. and it makes it hard to believe and accept that i have a problem. i wish i could see myself the way others see me. look at amy through your eyes, instead of my own. and i wish you could know the thoughts, and feelings, and hurts, that she feels. and i wish you could take them away. 

who am i?