I keep opening and closing this window. i want to write. I want to form sentences, and try and make sense of everything. But it isn't coming out today. The words aren't making sense, and I hate them for it. I hate my brain for not making sense. And for being so cloudy and messy. I wish I could clean my head as easily as I clean my house. Things would be easier then.

I want to sleep for a week straight. Not because I'm exhausted, but because i'm just tired of being awake, and moving and doing and working. I just want to relax. I'm never relaxed.

I've been having alot of bad dreams lately. Scary ones. I toss and turn alot at night and eventually i'm in a ball, under my pillows in the corner of my bed. I feel crazy. Not like, silly crazy. But really fucking crazy. The kind of crazy you see in movies.

I want to run. Runrunrunrun. Run until you can't catch me. Run until my lungs hurt. Run until there are tears streaming down my face. until i can't feel my body anymore.

So Tony came in yesterday, as I was in the middle of writing this. I quickly shut my computer and packed it up. Last night I dreamt that Libby was reading this blog and she was very angry. Accusing me of copying her and trying to have an eating disorder like her. and telling me that i was a liar and that i'd never be thin like she was. i remember trying to convince her that i had been messy for a long time, and that i wasn't copying her.

i finally started my period. i always get really happy and sad at the same time. when i get it i'm relieved, but also my head tells me that if this were real, it would never come.

i might be talking to Leslie this weekend. And that makes me really really scared. I think i'm more scared of her seeing me. Seeing me in person. seeing how fat i am. seeing that i obviously eat, so how can i possibly have an eating disorder?

maybe i'm just making this all up. i just want someone to understand and tell me how to make it stop.