03.01

My brides maid dress for Libby's wedding wouldn't zip when I tried it on. That was the deal breaker. I have to be able to wear this dress in september. So back to starving. I need to focus on paying off my debts, and finding a full time job, instead of spending money on dumb things like food. This month, i'll focus on my taxes, and giving morgan a little bit at least.
No more eating candy at work, or eating out, or milky coffees. no more orange mexican. no more meat. and i need to hurry up and get rid of the peanut butter. But I can't throw it away, because the rest of the food I have, has to last me this month. The only thing I'm allowed to buy is more coffee. Then it's back to simple, easy, cheap, vegetarian and low low low calorie.

March - 108
April - 100 (by libbys birthday?)

No more excuses. No more sharing. You can't take this from me. It's mine. If you don't care enough to tell me you are scared i'm going to die, when it's happening then I'll make it happen again. It doesn't count if you only tell me when I've gotten fat again. I need to start exercising so I can tone up. As it gets warmer, I can start going for walks. need to use my weights, my arms are disgusting.

I need to go to the YMCA and see how much a membership would be, and see what hours they are open. Maybe I can go late at night when no one is there so i can work out in peace (And no one will laugh at how stupid I look).

03.03

So. I made that nice little 'lets not eat again' plan. But, I (obviously) haven't followed it. Because deep down, I know better. And deep down, I know I don't want to be 95 lbs. Because I can get the dress altered to it will fit. And, it's finally getting easier to walk, and climb stairs, and it's getting to where I'm not exhausted all the time, and if i can keep going then maybe there's a chance i can actually start to feel good again. i don't want to give up just yet. I'm still holding steady at 119, and i need to learn (believe?) that that's not fat. Morgan got a swimsuit out of the attic for me, so hopefully this month I can start swimming. Maye be adding in some regular exercise, I can stay consistant weight-wise, and by september, maybe the dress will fit me again. It's just around my ribs that it's too tight. And the boobs are a bit small. That's probably be cause the second I start eating, my boobs get huge. (i hate that.)

What I need to learn, and focus on the most is making healthy decisions and learning to eat the right foods. and also preparing for me day better, so i'm not stuck at work with no food, and no lunch break to get some. One thing I'm doing good at, is being kind to myself. And I want to keep that up. Taking time to moisturize my skin, or paint my nails or take a hot bubble bath. These may sound like silly things, but i think when you take the time to be kind to yourself, it helps you in loving yourself. And maybe that's the ultimate goal through all of this self-disocovery/self-learning. I want and need to love Amy exactly the way she is. Every pound, every inch, every flow, and every unique characteristic. I want to love everything about myself, not because I am vain or conceited. But because I am worth loving.

Others love me despite my mistakes, so why shouldn't i love myself despite my shortcomings?

This is going to be a long journey.

03.04

I am eating, but I am not getting better. Physically, I am improving. Mentally, I am still the same emotional wreck I was months ago, when I was starving myself to death. I still feel like I am bingeing everytime I eat. And I am still not on a normal eating routine. I don't think I know what normal is anymore. I don't think I ever did. I am still at war with my body. I still see pictures of thin, and emactiated girls and want to look like them. I still have an undying, consuming desire to be thin. To be bony. My bones are disappearing, and fast. I cannot see my ribs anymore. My chest bones are long gone. My belly is soft and round. My hips are wider, and my breasts are fully and womanly. These should be good things. At least I think they should be. I should be able to look at my body and be in awe of the theings it's capable of doing. But instead, I see it as a sign of weakness. A sign of lost control. A visable change that my body is growing and changing, and in order to find peace and freedom, I must allow that to happen naturally. I may gain pounds , and curves, and feel heavy and solid. But why does that have to be a bad thing? or a sign of weakness? How do I turn it into something completely opposite, and learn to see my body as something strong and beautiful? Something warm, soft and huggable? Why does that have to be a bad thing. I'd be lying if I said gaining 6 pounds was okay. And that I wasn't ashamed. Because truth be told, it's making me fucking crazy. And maybe if I had more support, more people holding my hand through all of this, holding me up when I felt like falling, and when I couldn't walk another step. Maybe if I could just send a facebook message out to all 90 of my friends excaliming that I have decided to let go of control and regain my life. Or maybe if I could tell the people I work with, or if I could tell my roommates, or if I could tell my family. If I didn't feel like I constantly had to m prove my eating disorder to be real. If I didn't have to work so hard to believe it for myself. If I didn't have to try to do all this on my own. If someone would just fucking ask how Im doing and really honest-to-god care what my reply was. Maybe if someone would just give me a hug, and tell me they love me. A real hug. The squeeze-you-till-you-pop kind of hug. If someone told me I was beautiful, and meant it. If I believed them when they said it.

Then maybe I'd have a chance.

All of this, and it's only the 5th.