"With all your lies, you're still very lovable."

It's been a weird week. I've been writing alot, and moving stuff around, and hanging things from my walls. I like the added color, and I hate the cold weather. It hurts my bones and makes me crazy.

I'm working through the harder things, hardest things. I'm working through the things that are darker that Edie ever was or could be. The things that I can't say outloud. The things that I can't understand or wrap my brain around. The things that I couldnt choose.

I know, know beyond any shadow of doubt, that I've got to remove alot of toxic waste from the inside of me. From the deepest pit of my belly, the soles of my feet, and the individual strands of hair on my head. It's sort of unreal, how much hate I've got hidden away inside of me. I'm not even really sure how to purge it, just yet, but I know that it must happen. If I'm filled with anger there's no room for love.

It occured to me recently, that through all these years, all I've ever really needed, and wanted, was to be loved. All I've ever been looking for, was real love. Moreso than anything else in the world. More than being thin, or small, or sick, or wanted, or needed, or pretty or anything else. All of these things I've tried have all been excuses, or something to cover up the real need in my heart. They were all feeble attempts at feeding a hunger that ached inside.

I don't want anymore snacks. I just want to be filled up to the tip top of my head. Full until I spill over and am able to love others.

(maybe it's not selfish to understand that I must love myself first.)