Heart.

What can I say, to make this more clear? What do I have to do, to make certain the panic that resides insides of my bones these days? To make you take me seriously, or believe me?

I learned in the months of peace, that have led me to here, to always ask for help, before it's too late. To raise my hand or flag and say the words "I'm sinking!" I need a hand, I shouldn't be alone right now.

Help! I'm sinking! Or crumbling. I can't do this by myself right now.

Hello?
[silence.]

You just keep telling me that "everything is right where it should be" or that you "don't believe that I really want to be sick again, or that every struggle will get easier with time, and I'm stronger than I think".

I give up in frustration. I guess today I can't rely on you to read between the lines. I have to be perfectly blunt with you. To just go ahead and say the words I'd hoped you already knew - so that I wouldn't have to utter them aloud.

[so here goes.]

I can't do this. I can't keep my heart contained inside of me right now. If I don't give it to someone else - someone whose mind is clear - it will stop beating. It will lay still, no movement, beating or life.

I could excavate my heart from inside my chest, and give you the broken, bloody mess. If it were removed, to have a chance to heal, I could not ache for awhile. But it's an awfully big responsibility for someone to willingly take on.

You said you were willing though -that all I had to do was ask.

This is me asking. I can't do this.

I need to you take the whole thing. I don't want any part of it. I can't be liable or held responsible, for the actions that take place if I continue to be sole keeper of this ticking time bomb that is ready to erupt inside of me.

So here's my heart, for whatever it's worth. I don't think it's worth much, it's been broken a lot, and it's calloused and bitter. It's filled with hate. But it's the only one I've got and it may be the only thing that is keeping me alive.

I don't want it right now, so if you'll just hold onto it for a little while and keep it safe, I promise I'll be back for it one these days. And one day I'll make it up to you. I promise.

I'm sorry I can't be strong or good right now.