Aside from figuring out the brains of all this (what is this?) One of the hardest parts of pursuing recovery, is possibly giving up the friend ships that i've made along the way. There are 5 girls, around the country, and one in australia, that I've become very close to. They've seen me through the ups and downs, and highs and lows of dealing and living with an eating disorder.

Before I continue that thought, i'd like to metion that I have a really hard time referring to this as an eating disorder. I don't want to admit that it is an eating disorder. Though I fit all criteria for anorexia besides the being 15% or more under weight. I don't want to say it outloud. So I just refer to it as "this".

Anyway. The girls. I met them all through livejournal. I've exchanged countless letters, texts, phone calls, emails, instant messages, comments, you name it. I've told them things that i do/done that I would ever have the guts to tell someone in real life. They mean so much to me.

I made a post on livejournal a few weeks ago:

if i tried to recover and stopped all this, would you still like me as much?

cause that's what i'm afraid of.

if i get better, that you won't like me anymore. that you won't love me as much. that you wont care about me.

i'm afraid.

but i don't want/can't do this anymore.

and tonight i'll probably post something about not being able to give this up

i feel like i'm being torn in half.


I didn't get a single reply to it. At first, this sent me into "Okay, they only love me when I starve." So I determined myself to stop eating, and lose weight so that they'd still love me. Which of course, led to me getting frustrated (And hungry!) and bingeing. It occured to me, that as much as I love and cherish these friendships, i have people in real life, who love me just as much, or maybe more. and who care about my well being. They want to see me happy any healthy. And the things that I do, hurt them as much as they hurt me.

This is all so overwhelming sometimes. I wonder if I could get to the point where I admit that I have a problem, if the problem then becomes easier to solve?



So who do I chose? Do I give up the friendships I have, because they lead me to unhealthy beahviors and habits? Will I need to give them up?

It's hard for me to know if I can even do this. Hell, it's hard for me to know if i even WANT to do this.