Good conversations with M today, regarding bodies, diets, food, eating, calories, and swim suits. it's good to have someone to talk with. i know that M wants me to be healthy. And I know I want me to be healthy. And I'm trying, really I am. But part of me is concerned that until I deal with the headstuff regarding all of this, I will always have an eating-disordered mindset. 

I mean, sure now instead of counting calories, I'm counting carbs/net carbs. Almost as if I just switched the focus from one aspect of a diet to the other. And I know that I still want to lose weight. I still want/need to lose around 20 lbs. And no one understand this, because they see me now, compared to where I was. When looking at where I was, sure, I'm thin. Even seeing me in clothing, is different. I can wear clothes that make me appear thinner than I am. But I'm the only one who knows the truth. I'm the ones to has to see myself naked when I change, or when I take a shower. I'm the one to see my belly get bloated when I eat too much, and see it shrink and flatten when I starve. I'm the one who sees the number on the scale every morning, afternoon and evening that I step on it. 

So, yes. I am using atkins to get myself on a healthy eating pattern/habit. But I'm also using it because it's almost a guaranteed way to drop 10-15 lbs in the first 2 weeks. And I'm hoping to drop most of that, so that when I go home  in 23 days, i'll be thinner. 

So am I lying? Or am I being honest? Both? I don't know. There isn't much that I do know at this point. But I'm hoping to figure it out. I'm hoping to get there. And find myself on the way. To dig around, and figure out who Amy is. And figure out how the fuck I'm supposed to love her. To learn to be happy with who i am, and learn to love my flaws. My curves, my womanhood. To learn that bones dont equal happiness and beauty. and that starving doesn't equal strength. and thinness doesn't equate to being more loved. 

it's a journey. I have a strong feeling it's going to be a long one with alot of bumps and splits.

here goes nothing. i'm getting synchronized in love.