sometimes i can feel the darkness creeping in. the familiar feeling of the room spinning when you stand up. when your toes won't get warm no matter how many pairs of socks your wearing. there's no color on me, i feel like i'm fading. and every morning the number goes down, down, down. and i feel a sick sense of accomplishment.

i was sitting on the couch, complaining of how cold I was, and they told me to get some meat on my bones. that's the second time someone has said that to me recently. can't you see i've got plenty of meat on me? i could really stand to lose some. and i am loosing. smaller and smaller until there is none of me.

i want to write a book. and i want to drink tea all day, and makes owls. and i want to snuggle in my bed until i feel like waking up. and i want to smoke cigarettes until my lungs explode. and i want you to hug me until i feel it.

i took a water pill this morning. i ate too much this weekend. i get to work and the bathroom is out of order. i think my bladder will explode.

i realize that everything i say in here is pointless. i am feeling self destructive. the holidays are often like this. i'll get out of this funk eventually.

i have 36 days till i''m 23. that means 36 days to meet alot of goals. i'm doubtful i'll reach any of them.