Very interesting night last night. Finally met with Leslie, and Tasha. We went to bongo after I got off work. I was a wreck all day. I had to work 14 hours, all while anticipating and overanalyzing what would happen during our conversation. I didn't want to eat anything, because I wanted to appear as thin as possible when she met me. I wanted to get there early so that I could have a second to relax before she showed up. I was really scared about seeing her face to face. I ordered my coffee, and as I was paying they walked in.

I guess it went better then I expected. I was really glad tasha was there. she was good at breaking the ice, and getting things going. i think I would've just sat there staring at the ground unable to move or speak. As it went on, I said little bits here and there. at one point i guess i spoke for a few minutes. telling how i think it started. little bits about myself. but mostly i just listened. leslie told me about her history with eating disorders. most of what she said i understood. i felt. i thought the same thoughts. the part that hit me the most was when she talked about hiding. i think alot of people with ed's are about perfection. being perfect in every way. mentally, emotionally, physically. for me, i don't feel like i'm striving for perfection. but i do feel like i'm trying to hide. isolating myself, making myself smaller and smaller, so that it's easier to hide... to go unnoticed. if there is less of me, it is easier to be insignificant.

she also talked about being completely self-sufficiant. That hit me even harder. without even thinking about it I said "I have 2 friends in nashville. two people. that's it. i do everything myself. i make ends meet myself, and i have 2 people i can call for emergencies. that's it. it's just me. if i can't do it, it doesn't get done." I wanted to cry after realizing that. I am alone.

i told her about going to weight watchers when i was 10. because i was 80 lbs and my friends were all 60. i told her about paying for my mom and i to do jenny craig when i was 16. i told her about my grandpa saying my arms were as big as his legs. i told her about writing in my journal two years ago, i wonder what would happen if i just stopped eating. there were so many things i wanted to tell her. but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. i felt like i just kept repeating i don't know, i don't know i don't know over and over again. it was frustrating.

when i have to say things out loud i get scared. like, heart racing, can't breath, throat tightens, literally cannot force myself to speak.

i felt okay afterwards. she gave me a hug as we left. i was scared to hug her. i didn't want her to feel me. i didn't want her to touch me. but her hug felt safe. and gentle and kind. she asked if i wanted to meet again, and i said yes.

it was the first time i've ever talked about this outloud. i've emailed and texted and blogged about it, in depth. but never said it outloud. i still can't say 'eating disorder'. i imagine if i said that word outloud, everyone in the world would immediately stop what they are doing, turn and stare at me, and start laughing.

i just don't know if i'm ready to give it up. i'm loosing weight and it feels good.

i wish i wasnt sad all the time. and i wish i knew what happiness felt like. and i wish i didn't hurt so much.