i dont know what's going on, but my body is finally cooperating. i'm down to 112.5. i still feel fat. i still feel like there is too much of me. i'm almost to my goal for my birthday.

but if i'm being honest, it sort of scares me. i don't know what i look like. i posted pictures and everyone said they saw bones. i can see my chest bones now. i can see them. and yet, i still want to lose weight. no one has said i look thin though, so it must be a mistake. maybe i'm imagining them. maybe i'm imagining the excess pounds of fat dripping off of my body. the fat clinging to my thighs and arms. the roundness of my belly.

i want to be 110 by my birthday. 2.5 lbs in 9 days.

i want to be 108 by January 1st. 4.5 lbs in 11 days.

am i scaring you? cause i am. i want someone to grab me by the shoulders and scream at me. shake me until i believe it. yell at me. tell me you're angry. tell me you want me to stop. because it's easy to keep going.

yogurt for breakfast.

fat free tuna salad and 3 crackers for lunch.

1/2 cup frozen vegetables and a veggie burger for dinner.

coffee. coffee. coffee. lots of coffee.

gallons of water.

pop a water pill. eat a granola bar. 90 calories. take 3 laxatives because you feel too full. wake up. your body is rebelling. there is pain shrieking through your organs as you rid yourself of that 90 calorie granola bar. it's no wonder you don't sleep because you're up all night peeing. it's 4 hours or 12 hours. it hurts to move. my feet and hands hurt. my nails looked blue last night. its hard to get out of bed. the mattress swallowed me in the night time. the blankets are tucked so tight around my freezing body, it's turned to a cocoon.

but this is what i wanted right? the day i wrote 'i wonder what will happen if i stop eating' in that little black journal. this is what i asked for. it was my choice, and i cannot blame it on anyone else. it was my own doing. but 96 lbs ago, i didn't think i'd ever get here. and it's too late now. i never thought i'd lose 20 lbs. Much less 96.

and how the FUCK have you not asked yet?! Stop congratulating me. Stop praising this behavior, because it is killing me. i want to scream at you. grab you by the shoulders and shake you. yell at you to stop. stop telling me i'm beautiful. stop telling me how great i look. stop telling me how proud you are. how are you proud?! i am killing myself, mom. i am starving myself. starving myself. i want to cry. i want you to hold me like i was a child. i want anyone to hold me. i want someone to hug me until i can feel it. i want you to be proud of me, even if i''m fat and ugly. i want you to think i'm pretty when i'm not thin. i want you to love me because i'm your daughter. i want you to stop telling me that you want to lose weight. i want you to stop asking me how i did it, unless you are going to ask me and let me tell you the truth. i'm tired of lying to you. i'm tired of lying to everyone. i am a liar. filthy, dirty, liar.

i am broken. there isn't a way to fix me. talking about it, writing about it, eating more, crying, sharing. nothing. it won't work. i want to disappear.

Oh, I've never seen you like this
You're scaring me
You're scaring me
You're scaring me to death