Ive had alot of time on my hands. Too much, really. I've been exceptionally depressed this week, feeling like everyone hates me, and that no one at all in the entire world cared about me. I didn't talk to anyone last week, and only left my room to go to work a few nights. Sunday-friday I literally stayed in my room with the door closed. I made a pitcher of tea, and left it on my dresser. I didn't restrict in any sense of the word this week. I think my lowest day was like 1,230 calories which is ridiculous and unacceptable. I'm still around 113-114 though. I need to be 110 by February 1st.

I just haven't cared. Thursday night I took 9 tylonal with half a bottle of wine and cut my arm 40+ times. I've been cutting alot. good thing it's cold, and I can wear long sleeves. I fell asleep around 9pm and slept till 1pm friday.

I'm always so cold. I wear knit leggings under all my pants and two pair of socks. At work I keep my coat and gloves and scarf on when I have to stand up front because everytime the door opens and the cold air rushes in, my bones rattle and I can't feel my fingers. my cuticles keep tearing cause my hands never get warm. I wrap up in blankets over my hoodies when I sit outside and smoke.

maybe I'm anemic.

today I went to get coffee and the barista (dave) commented saying 'you're so skinny these days!' I laughed and said "I'm still the same!" He walked past me again, and rubbed my shoulder saying "you're just so tiny, amy".
My roommate commented on my legs being so little. She said they were twigs and she could break them. It's the first time she's said anything. I've lost 25 lbs since I met her.

I keep crying alot. Sometimes I can't stop.

I don't know.

I watched Girl, Interrupted earlier this week. It's my least/most favorite movie. I guess I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love it, because I identify with Susanna so much. Feeling like you are loosing it and knowing that you aren't crazy. Needing a 'rest' and using the time to scribble words in your journal until you're hands feel like they're going to fall off. Sleeping and smoking too many cigarettes. Taking hot bathes (while the nurse watches you shave you're legs, because you're on suicide watch). In the beginning of the movie, she's talking about how she chased a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka. She says something along the lines, of 'wanting to kill whats on the inside' or something. I can't remember. Sometimes I just WANT to do something self-destructive. Even if it hasn't been a particularly hard day, I just want to hurt myself. I'll get drunk, or take too many pills, or cut, just because I can. Just because I want to kill, hurt, destroy whatever the fuck is going on inside of me that's causing me to feel like i'm dying. I have this fantasy, that i'll finish paying morgan back, and sell all my belongings and put myself in a mental institute for a year until I figure myself out. Because I don't have the energy to work on finding peace and freedom (my 2010 goal #8) all the while trying to live an adult life and still appearing normal. I just need a rest, I think.

Just a rest.