what a hard/dumb/painful/wonderful/frustrating/stressful week. Between the holidays, and birthday, and new years, and family visits, I'm glad it's a new week. Somewhat, I guess. I just found out yesterday that there's a 99% chance I won't have a job next week. I won't lie and say I'm not freaking out. I have half a mind to drink a bottle of wine and pass out somewhere. Though I won't miss a minute of work , while I have it. So much for my 2010 financial goals. Looks like it's back to survival mode. I am always in survival mode. Sometimes I don't much care to survive anymore.

My mom made alot of comments while she was here.

"You're so tiny."

"How much do you weigh now?"

(in the middle of a movie theatre, no less.)

"How much have you lost?"

"How did you lose weight?"

"Is it just because you can't afford food?"

"What are your secrets? tell me, so I can be skinny like you!"

At one point she picked me up in her arms, and commented about me being no bigger than a child.

When she asked how much I weighed, I lied. Though, at this point, I'm too scared to step on my scale. I know I've gained from them being here. They made so much food. They bought me $250 worth of groceries. I felt extremely blessed, knowing that myself and Lauren could eat for months on that much food. But the eating disordered part of my brain is freaking the fuck out, because none of it is safe food. I got some yogurts, and light string cheese, and some granola bars and soup. But they bought a giant jar of peanut butter, and spaghettio's, and 2 loaves of bread, and cheese, and all these delicious foods that I'm not allowed to eat. And they left cookies, and snack crackers, and bags of chips that were supposed to go home with them. They left it there. I need to make Lane eat it.

My mom also compulsively cleaned and organized, and rearranged everything in my kitchen and bathroom. She ran the dishwasher at least 100 times trying to get all the dishes clean. My water bill will be astronomical. She swept, mopped and vacuumed every hour it seemed. She was on her hands and knees scrubbing up dog shit that my roommate left in the spare bedroom. Took a tooth brush to my kitchen floor. Replaced lightbulbs. Tried to do a few repairs. And I know I sound selfish and ridiculous for complaining, because I am really thankful that my house is (completely) spotless. But it made me nervous and stressed out having her moving constantly and messing with everything. I wanted to hang out with her, and spend time with her. I wanted to take her to a coffee shop and give her a (good) chai latte. I wanted to play games, and bake cookies with her. I wanted to watch a movie. I didn't want to spend the whole weekend they were there, disrupting every sense of order in my life.

My dad and brother argued alot. Michael was sort of an asshole the whole time. And I wanted to punch him in the face. My dad picked a fight about anything michael said or did.

I got the lecture of "You'll get your legs chopped off if you don't start taking insulin", "because you're diabetic, your body is like it's already had a heart attack, so you are at a higher risk to have one", "even though you're thinner now, you still need to watch your cholesterol", "smoking is so bad for you, you'll end up with emphysema like your granny"

I DON'T HAVE FUCKING INSURANCE MOM. I CAN'T GET INSULIN OR DIABETIC SUPPLIES OR GET MY KIDNEY CHECKED. AND YOU STRESS ME OUT SO MUCH, I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO CHAINSMOKE THIS WHOLE PACK.

ahem.

I love my family, so much. But I'm glad they are gone. I cant handle them longer than about 72 hours. They were here for almost 5 days.

But my sister is still my favorite person in the entire world, and she can come stay with me any time, for as long as she wants. Because she's the best.

I need to get back to 112 asap. I feel fat and disgusting.

i've been struggling with the idea of cutting alot, lately. i think they only thing stopping me, is that I threw out the razors i've had since i was 15, and i really want to go swimming. but i miss the feeling.