Disintegration

I haven't really gone into what's happening in my family right now. But it is breaking me in half. It has made me angry, and hateful. Bitter, resentful, and hurt. It has made me cry. It's made me look my mother in the eyes and whisper that he [my father] doesn't give a damn about me. He was too absorbed in living out his lies, and making sure that he wasn't caught that the last nights i spent in virginia, i laid in my bed and sobbed. Kelly heard me, and sat with me.

And I hate it that I still care what he even thinks. He's never cared about anyone else but himself. He's always made sure that he had his coffee and newspaper in the morning on the way to work. He's made sure that he had his can of tobacco everyday, and he could get a sandwich and beer at work with his friends for lunch. He's always made sure that there was gas in his car. And that he had clothes to wear. But he has never provided anything for my family.

He has lied, and cheated and lied to cover up his lies. He left a job that would've provided him with a secure future, with benefits, a job that would've kept food on the table, and our electricity on. He left it. And now my mom has $100,000 worth of medical bills in her name.

He gambled his truck away, and took my mom's car that she worked to pay for. He took her name off of the registration, and stole it.

In 2005, My mom gave him a kidney, to save his life. She gave him a kidney, a living part of herself, one that could've been saved for me. She gave it to him to keep him from dying. And he refuses to take the anti-rejection medicine. He refuses to take insulin, or monitor his diabetes. He is killing himself. We have gotten to the point, where we are waiting for him to die, and leave my family with nothing.

At the beginning of 2010, he didn't pay rent, and my family became homeless. My sister lived out of her car and at friends houses. My mom moved to North Caroline for 2 months to live with and care for her aunt. My brother and dad lived in a basement filled with roaches, with a family friend. Even though he was working and didn't have any bills to pay, he didn't help with groceries or anything for the friends who housed them.

Two weeks after I moved back home this summer, my mom sat me down and told me she was leaving my father. She said that after 26 years of marriage, she couldn't handle the financial and emotional abuse, or neglect, anymore. This isn't the first time that she has said this. It would happen on a regular basis while I was growing up. And then she would lock herself into the bathroom and take pills until she passed out. Then my dad would come home and find her, and apologize and cry, and beg her forgiveness and promise to change, if she "would just give him one more chance".

I went upstairs and I laid in my bed and cried. I cried for all I was worth. I cried with all 116 pounds of my aching, broken body. I cried until my eyes were puffy and red. I cried until there was snot dripping out of my nose. I shut off the lights, and I laid in my bed, and I held Lola. I pulled the blankets up over my head, and I cried some more.

It has been 6 months. My dad is under investigation by the IRS for 14 years of unpaid taxes. In 30 days, and 15th year, will begin, where he is still not paying taxes. He is choosing his boss, who is just as crooked as my father is, over my family. He stays at work all day and all night. He has let cable, internet and phone get shut off. He has failed to pay their car insurance. The television and washer, and kitchen table and chairs are being reposessed. He's not buying groceries to feed my family. My mom has resorted to making tortillas out of flour and water making tuna salad for dinner every night.

She's sending Oliver, her dog to Maryland, to a lady who will keep him until he dies, because he cant go back to a shelter. She's sending Lola and Oscar back to me. And possibly, Trisket. She's praying that Terri, her 16 year old cat, will go ahead and pass, so that she doesn't have to take her and Jade to the pound. She's finding homes for the animals. She's getting rid of their belongings. She's applied for public housing, so that when they get evicted from their house, she and my sister have somewhere to go. she's doing odd jobs to raise $1200 to file bankruptcy, because she can't get a job, without them garnishing her wages. she's saving money from raking leaves, and washing cars, to save up to by another car.

She's begging and pleading my brother to please get a job, because she can't support him anymore.

my precious, 18 year old sister, stood in her room with me, and started to cry as she decided what she would pack if she were to become homeless again. she's rushing into marriage with a [wonderful, sweet, absolutely caring, amazing, absolutely adores her] boy that she has dated for 7 months, because she doesn't want to live in her car again.

and my dad is pretending that it's all going to be okay. that the irs is just going to forgive him for purposely not paying his taxes. that the landlord is just going to let him keep living there without paying rent. that the electric company will feel bad for them and not cut their heat off, regardless that they haven't paid the bill since july. when will he wake up?

he's going to wake up, and realize that we're all gone. we're all done putting up with him. we're tired of being neglected. we're tired of him choosing EVERYthing over us. we're tired of him screaming and yelling, and telling us how worthless we are. how pitiful excuse of a human we are. telling us to shut the damn waterworks off. he's going to wake up, and it will be too late. he will be alone. perhaps, that's what he's wanted all along.

and it's killing me. it's breaking my heart to listen to my mom talk. it's breaking my heart to hear my brother say that he wished he were dead, that have to deal with my dad. it's breaking my heart to watch my sister cry and not be able to hug her.

In July, Faith's friend, got engaged. I had asked my dad a few days prior, to please take some insulin, so that if I ever decided to get married, he'd be alive to walk me down the aisle. he ignored me, and walked away. when Mallory got engaged, he sat in front of me and told her he guessed he'd have to start taking care of himself, since she was getting married. he wanted to be there.

I am nothing to him. Absolute dirt. I have no value or purpose. He wouldn't care if he ever saw me again. And yet, I continue to let him hurt me. To let his words, and actions affect my life. I continue to cry, because all I want is for someone to want me. All I want is for my daddy to tell me I'm pretty. or tell me he loves me, and mean it. or maybe just fucking notice me. i hate that I'm 24 years old, and I still wish that my daddy would hug me, or take me out on a 'date'. I still wish that he would protect me. That he would make sure his daughter was okay, no matter what.

My family is falling apart, and dying, and all I can do is watch from 700 miles away. Because I had to decide that it would kill me, to stay in that environment. My family is disintegrating, and all I want to do is cry.