Your body knows what it needs, so why do you (I) keep beating it to death, trying to make it go against what is natural?

Things got weird, and tricky, fast. I was surprised at how easily I got back into the habit...

"No thanks, I'm good."
"I'm okay, I ate before I came"
"I don't like spicey"
"I don't like sweet"
"That doesn't smell good."
"I'm not hungry."
"I'm not hungry."
"I'm not hungry."

As if by repetition of those three words, I can somehow convince the world, that I have no needs. That my body is not real, it is not alive, and it needs nothing. I can somehow convince myself that I'm not greedy, by not being hungry. As if, I don't take and take and take and take. And NEED. Constantly. I'm needy, I need a text, or an email, or a call, or a hug, or a facebook comment or a blog post, or something. Something. Anything at all, someone to LOOK at me, anything that reminds me I'm still here, I'm still alive. I haven't left yet. I haven't disappeared.

I ate around 600 calories yesterday. And then drank half a bottle of wine. I got a little drunk, and drew a dumb picture and then decided that's what I needed (there's that goddamn word again.)to look like.

I made out my list. Remember? I call them "The Science of Not Eating", my rules, my goals, my weight, my measurments, numbers, calculations, designs, plans, To Do.

Then I got hungry, and my bloodsugar was low. So I went to the kitchen. I made some pasta and heated up a can of tomato sauce.

50 calories per 1/2 serving of sauce. 6 servings per can. 300 total.
200 calories per serving of pasta. 8 servings a box. 1600 total.

I make half the box of pasta, 800 calories.
And heat up the can of sauce, 300.
1100 calories total.
If I eat it in 4 meals that's 275 calories total.

I pour another glass of wine, which i know is going to lower my blood sugar further. I sit on the floor.

I decide that I won't eat the spaghetti, and I pack it into seperate tupperware containers, measuring it into an equal 4 parts. and put it in the fridge. I make a piece of toast, 90 calories. I eat it sitting on the floor. I make sugar free jell-o. It will take 4 hours, but it's only 40 calories for the whole box. If I'm still awake at 3 am, I'll eat it. I eat a teaspoon of sprinkles. 15 calories.

Total: 705

I go into my room, and turn on Ke$ha, and pull out my 5 lb weights and lie on the floor doing hundreds of leg lifts and raising my arms above my head. my muscles tremble under 5 lbs. FIVE POUNDS. I do this for 1 1/2 times through the cd.

I get into bed. At 3am, I wake up from not quite sleep, but almost, heart racing and panicked because my bloodsugar is low again. I get up, pissed off that my stupid, ugly, fat self won't just fucking cooperate, and sit on the living room floor eating cold spaghetti out of the fridge. Then I eat a granola square.

705
275
90
=1,075

Health makes me dizzy. Sickness feels natural, and normal. The manic feeling behind my eyes, that prys them open at night, and keeps my legs pumping 1,2,3,4 keep walking. don't stop. keep moving. don't sit down. keep busy. don't stop moving or else you will falter.

"No thanks, I'm good."
"I'm okay, I ate before I came"
"I don't like spicey"
"I don't like sweet"
"That doesn't smell good."
"I'm not hungry."
"I'm not hungry."
"I'm not hungry."

It's easy. No one suspects a fucking thing. You just keeps smiling, and laughing at the appropriate times. Pretending to know what was said, or what joke was told. Just keep laughing. It's all a joke, anyway.