Hm. How long has it been? Things got dark, and then suddenly the sun reappeared and my mind cleared a bit, and i became mobile again. It wasn't a fun couple of weeks though. I went the whole 9 yards... bought a scale, and diet pills, threw out all of the food in my kitchen, started smoking, and swore off anything that wasn't apples or coffee. I stuck with it for a bit. Oddly enough, I didn't lose a single ounce.

So. Then I woke up, and stood shivering on my front...step, and texted someone "Im really hungry. In every sense of the word."

From here, it all went up? Mostly up, at least in a diagonal sort of way.

I want more. Desperately. I want more in my life than skin and bones. I want to not be sick (you told me this all along, and i didn't believe you. she texted me saying "i don't believe you really want to be sick") and it made me pissed off. It made me angry. Because deep down in the soles of my feet, I knew I didn't either. But dealing with what was going on seemed somehow less scary than...death.

So I admitted it. I admitted I didn't really want to go down the familiar path. The comfortable, easy path. I know where it goes, i've been back and forth there, many times. And I don't want it.

So now what?

Now I have to deal with this...with me. With Amy. With my more-than-112-pound body. With my hips, and my flesh, and my softness. With my hunger, and my needs. My zits, and puckers, and wrinkles, and...fat body. With the jeans that are size 1, still carefully folded in my drawer in case one day they fit again. With the creaking floorboards as i pace through my house, dealing with my brain, and knowing that i exist. that i'm solid and real.

and then being okay with it.

So I've turned over this adventure to Amygirl. I've given it to her, in hopes that she'll somehow save me. That maybe by giving all the thoughts to her, she can run with them, giving Edie someone else to chase.

And I just keep myself busy. I keep busy, and I keep trying to figure out how to love this strange boot wearing girl, that I have no idea who she is. Maybe sometime I'll trust her enough to find out.

In the mean time...

well, just thank you. for everything.