i couldn't look at the photograph, because i felt like the eyes were staring straight into my mind. as if the girl could see straight through me, straight through every lie.  into the parts of me, that i, myself, am too afraid to explore. 

i couldn't sleep last night. I was exhausted. I went to bed hungry. I ate 10 brussel sprouts dusted with salt and pepper for dinner. My stomach was screaming at me. I whispered back 'be quiet. you don't need food'. i felt like I was being twisted up...like taffy, twisted, pulled, writhing, squirming. I buried my head underneath four pillows. Made it quiet and dark. I relaxed. At some point I guess I slept. I woke up groggy this morning. I had to pee. I forgot, water pills are evil. My tummy felt flatter afterwards. Stumbled into the kitchen and started the coffee pot. No creamer this week. Makes my coffee 10 calories instead of 60. This is good. 

I peeled my pajamas off. Staring at my pale skin. Tracing the lines with my pointer finger and shivering. First I examined my stomach. Turned to the left and right. Sucked it in, puffed it out. relaxed. next my thighs. I pull the skin taught, and imagine what it would like if there were an actual gap between them. Press my palms against my bottom and lift up, butt would look better. I arch my back and my ribcage becomes more visable. twist and turn, until I can see the faint outline of my hip bones. i double over, and place my hand at the nape of my neck, slowly inching downward counting the bumps of my spine. Finally, I stepped on the scale, covering the small LCD screen with my toes. I waited. Moved my left toe, saw '12-'. Sighed, and moved the right. 129.5 Not good enough. Not thin enough. Not hungry enough.  Some sort of logic steps in, and reminds me I'm still on my period.  Then another voice yells at me "if you really were disordered you wouldn't HAVE a period".

I agree. If I was doing this right, if i were better at my eating disorder, if I were stronger, more in control,  I wouldn't eat anything.  If I really wanted to be thin, I wouldn't restrict calories to X amount, I would fast, starve, die. 

I am not afraid of this killing me. 

I have in my cabinet:

1 tin of tuna

2 hearts of romaine

1 block of frozen spinach

3 nectarines

1/3 bag frozen brussles sprouts

a few pieces of frozen chicken 

I'm going to try to make it last me a till the weekend.